Who should know the deepest despair
But I, I who have been there
Who have seen Hell while still confined to this world!
Who hast...felt...hell in this world
And it surprises me dearly past all limitations
So that I require yet more, MORE CONFIRMATION!
To this plight, (my plight), my plight implore
Hast thou in thee torment more?
Entrust me not the slightest reprieve?
THY DEEPEST DESIRES FOR ME TO LEAVE!
Who between us is the fiend?
I’m not even, even seen..
And I know inside for what you yearn
My remains in a coffin, or in an urn!
Who’d notice the slightest bit when I’d go missing?
A man, at the lake, one day gone fishing.
Because I’m but a burden right?
Your insurmountable distressingly fathomable plight
My god boy! Don’t even fret
I’ll tell you something you already know I bet!
The fact, the truth, I don’t exist
I’m fog, I’m wind, I’m bodiless mist
No earthly record can show I was born
Why else would I be subject to your scorn?
For only humans deserve good will
No bird, nor beast is known to feel
And I don’t even know what I am still
(I don’t even know what I am still!)
A mirror likeness of your kind
OH THE CONFLICTING THOUGHTS OF THE MIND!
Here I thought I’d earned respite
But at every turn I’m forced to fight
Should I cringe beneath thine gaze?
Do you think my will merely a phase
Because I’m not born of a woman
I know, you know this makes me nothing.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wassup guy. I like this poem. It reminds me of a friend that I know of. The rhyme is perfect as is the use of ye olde English words. I don't think that you should change a thing.
My favorite lines are, "And I know inside for what you yearn
My remains in a coffin, or in an urn!"
Keep up the work. I wouldn't be surprised if you got some of your work published and you became rich off it.
It was good. But on some parts I felt boared. Also....You don't have to do the words bold. But other wise it was good
So! You asked for a video critique. AND I DID IT! Here it is:
It's a lot shorter than your other poem, so yay! Shorter poems + biochemical engineering program = good.
http://revver.com/video/1426682/affilia ... spair-pt1/
So basically, I read through your poem and commented on it afterwards. You know the drill.
Anyway, hopefully this helps. If it doesn't help, I'm pretty sure you know how to contact me.